(Absrd Comedy, July 2015.)

If rappers and rockers are to be believed, the world is pretty fucked up. The average image board or internet community will inform us that Millennials have been handed a hot potato in the form of “society” and we faux-bespectacled jive Replicants are at a loss for how to fix it. The environment, the economy, jobs, war, civil rights; it’s hard out there and up until now it’s been easy.

Thankfully, the average citizen is aware that it’s rough out there for a Live-Streamer and there are already some preloaded, heatlamped motley crews ready to be blamed for this mess.

1). Baby Boomers

From the environment to the economy, it’s hard to explain how an entire generation of people known for landing on the moon, civil rights marches, and Woodstock fucked everything up so badly, but they did and they should pay for it. The Recession (which may or may not be happening anymore) is widely known as an economic collapse that made University degree programs that end in “-studies” more expensive, and while it is too early to tell, early reports indicate that this is because Baby Boomers didn’t give a fuck about anything. They ate steak for breakfast and drove huge cars and said things like “beat it, toots.” This can and should get your life ruined.
While Millennials cannot recall the last time they actually spoke with an elderly person, snarky cartoons leaked to the leading forums and imageboards of the world seem to imply that they are scoffing at kids these days and talking about how they don’t work hard enough. On an unrelated note, recent employment records indicate that 57% of Millennials list their current career as something involving reviewing other Millennials.

2). “Bush”

It will be hard to explain this to future generations, but for 8 years people disrespected the President so much that an entire micro-economy popped up and disappeared after he left office. People sold Bush bobble-heads and “Stupid Bush Quotes” as calendars. It would have been labeled treasonous if it weren’t so astounding. If history has proved one thing, it’s that you’re on the right side of it if you condemn this Cowboy Hitler.
According to recent studies, 80% of Millennials not only believe George W. Bush is responsible for all the conflicts in the Middle East, but also for the majority of conflicts throughout Africa in one form or another. George W. Bush is ranked higher than King Leopold II on the list of people detrimental to the wellbeing of Africans, and at least two-thirds of Millennials in the West believe District 9 was an allegory for Bush’s treatment of African Americans.
Overall, Bush’s legacy will be remembered as “the garbage happening to the ice caps” and “embarrassing us in front of China” despite the fact that no Westerner – including Chinese immigrants – actually knows anybody in China.
Men lie, women lie, but satirical snowglobes don’t.

3). ISIS

According to several Feminist-Themed tech websites, ISIS and misogyny are the two greatest threats to the San Franciscan App marketplace. Since Silicon Valley is to Millennials what the Klondike Gold Rush was to whatever doomed group came before The Lost Generation, any threat to it is seen as an attack on the wheel-spinning progress that has come to endear 20-somethings to the rest of the world.

From hoodwinking chowderheaded suburbanites into become rape-slaves in Afghanistan, to being ideologically opposed to smartphone programs that let you track the global jeggings market in real time (‘Jegmar,” created by “Shree Or Something,”) ISIS is on the tip of everyone’s tongue this season, so fire up your LinkedIns cause forecasts show they’re in it for the long haul.

4). Illuminati

In a stroke of unheard of progressiveness, many Millennials have elected not to blame the Jews for running a vast and shadowy global conspiracy, opting instead to finger the much more ethnically-diverse Illuminati. In a scathing critique, BlaccAllahProductionz on WorldStarHipHop.com, everyone from slave-owning Jay Z to drunk Katt Williams has fallen victim to “soulless pigskin cracker illuminati shills.”

While researching the meaning of many of these words on UrbanDictionary.com proved to be a Lemarchand’s Box of dank racial hatred, one can easily ascertain that the Illuminati itself knows no country or race of origin. The Illuminati, it seems, operates in the shadows and puppets world events with invisible strings, leaving recurring clues in music, advertising, and money for intrepid Young People to discover.

It’s no coincidence that Millennials have been on the leading edge of this expose, enjoying a cynicism of global power structures and distrust of the media that borders on pathological. A grand ironic twist, it’s turned out that the only ones who can be trusted are independent YouTubers utilizing many of the tactics used by the giant they seek to dismantle, albeit on a level that inspires pity from the audience.
This is just scratching the surface on what is slowly becoming a long list of forces completely beyond the control of the average Millennial that are making their lives impossible on a personal level. Stay strong, and meme on.